Death of a postdoc

I sold my car today. I cleaned the dashboard of old, leaking chewing gum packs and loose quarters and picked up the empty water bottles stashed in the rear doors. I recycled the dozen fliers, receipts and bills and then wished the new owners the best of travels and left. Before I drove to the DMV to sell the car, I dropped off three bags of clothes, shoes, linen and towels that I don’t need anymore. Well, at least I hope I won’t need anymore. I definitely don’t have the space to carry them with me. I have had the car for as long as I have been a postdoc, and for about half the time that I have been in this country. It’s so hard for sentimental idiots like me, to part with things. That ratty T-shirt  I bought from the store near first block way back in 2008, before I had started my PhD. Why did I hold onto it for so long?! Hoarder.

At work I’ve started my farewell tour. I meet with colleagues, mentors, lunchroom acquaintances, that janitor lady and the starbucks barista who makes the best cafe misto, and tell them all that I’m leaving. Oh really? that’s great, where are you going? Oh, I’m sure something will work out. Did you try such and such? Oh well, enjoy your break! Thank you I say. I’ll give you my gmail so we can stay in touch, I offer. I try to confide to some, that in fact, its breathtakingly scary. I’ve been trying to find a job for the past six months and I haven’t yet. But people don’t want to hear that. They don’t want to know, that I’ve had a good postdoc, that I published papers, collaborated, went to conferences, got awards, networked and that I did everything right that I was supposed to, and yet here I am on my farewell tour receiving condolences from everyone I meet. I’m sorry you feel sorry for me but I don’t know what I could’ve done better. I don’t know why search committees didn’t like my research proposal. Or could it be me? Could it be that everything I’ve trained for and everything I’ve been told is everything that I shouldn’t do? Or could it be that job search in academia for faculty positions is a crapshoot.

Such is the life of a postdoc. We all know that its not a permanent position, and much as we’d love to, we can’t keep being a postdoc forever. Same as I can’t keep living here forever. US has been home for so long and I wish I could live every day over and over again. That summer’s day in 2016, on the trail with our bikes as the stream gurgled past.. that fall day in the C&O towpath where I ran over a snake and had a panic attack.. that evening we met in DC to go see the cherry blossoms by the tidal basin.. those manic Friday evenings where we scrambled to make it to the airport in rush hour traffic.. CDX, Denver, Nola, LA and so many more! I’m only leaving the country and my job, but it feels like I’m leaving my twenties behind.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m excited for what awaits me! New adventures, new homes, new trails and new places. Not for one second do I not want to leave the US. I’m done. It was great, getting to know so many wonderful people, working at the edge of science and being part of this microcosm. I had my fun and now I’m ready to leave this all behind and enter the real world. It would help to see where my feet will land once I take the leap, but I’m sure I’ll figure something out mid-flight. I just have to let go of these nasty nostalgic cobwebs and jump.

It’s been a real honor.

From one great year to another!

Happy new year 2014! May it be happy, may it be new :).

Summer and Fall

I’ve always been a summer girl. I like to step outside onto the grass and feel the warm earth, the warm breeze, the warm smell of summer flowers.. be it in India or in US. I’ve always thought Summer is my season. I have memories of Gujarat from some 20 years ago, when I would while away the hot afternoons swinging beneath the copper pod tree. There would be a breeze, the hot summer loo and that dryness in the earth, littered with the yellow flowers of the tree. I loved that season. In Bangalore, the Gulmohars and Rain trees would bloom, and even though it was hot and dry.. there is a calmness in a summer afternoon or evening that brings fond memories.

There is happiness in lying down in the grass beside a stream and smelling the peony’s, listening to the sounds of activities around you. There is so much daylight in summer, so much potential to get out there and do anything you want. Maybe I overly associate with the fact that summer’s are when School/College was off, and I actually had time to relax in the afternoons and play in the evenings. Maybe it’s cause Summers are when all friends meet up and go on road trips or kayaking. But there is something about seeing the green lush liveliness of Summer (or early Summer in India) that makes me feel just as alive.

But this time around, Fall has kept me waiting. My favorite season Summer has dragged on well into October.. and the warm breezes in the afternoon, the thundershowers in the evening are still around. Except for today, when as I stepped out into the orange morning sun (why is the sun so orange in Autumn?).. I could smell Fall. I smelled that crisp feeling of a cool morning with leaves crunching beneath my feet. And suddenly, I long for a cold evening, without any breeze, with just the cold frost creeping in.

I yearn to sit outside and sip something warm, watching the drawn-out sunset from a lawn littered with red and yellow leaves. I yearn to bundle up in jackets, scarves and gloves. I couldn’t believe that I was actually waiting for winter. Summer is a time for action but Fall is a time to sit back and relax. Fall is a time to let out the breath you’ve been holding, fold up the picnic spread and nestle in your home. Maybe I’m just tired this Friday, and I want a relaxed weekend. Maybe I’ve finally learnt that each season needs its own time and a land with forever summer (aka San Diego) or forever winter (Canada) would never satisfy me.

The first few months of married life!

The Great Gatsby

My previous post had started out as a review for The Great Gatsby, but it didn’t quite reach that level. Here’s what I really wanted to say:

 

The movie is a brilliant adaptation of the book, which is no easy feat for any movie. The book itself is not an easy read. I haven’t lived in the 1920’s, or in New York, so understanding the vibe of the novel was a bit hard the first time I read it many years ago. But I can tell you, the movie is exactly how I pictured the book while reading it. You should still read the book for the story though, a love story in any setting is not hard to comprehend. You can understand Jay Gatsby’s endless optimism to repeat the past and make his life with Daisy. You can understand Tom Buchanan’s inability to let go of his current lifestyle.. and you can even understand Daisy Buchanan’s cowardice, who ends up being less brave than what she (and the audience) thought she could be. This story has no hero, no heroine, no villain.. it has 3 bad role models in fact. And the 3 main actors in this movie show this point perfectly, especially Dicaprio. His face will always be Gatsby’s face now.. he’s done it that well. Tobey Maguire was never a favorite actor of mine, and his role in the movie I thought was just passable.. can’t help criticizing, I just don’t like him (and since it’s my blog I guess I’m allowed to be unfair 🙂 ). There’s a lot of talk about the hip-hop music that was used in this movie, and not swing or jazz that was actually around in that era. I was surprised with the songs initially, but all in all it didn’t distract from the plot.

In the movie all makes sense. At the theater, I was surprised to hear the audience that ooh-ed and aah-ed with the movie, collectively enraptured by the drama. The movie is not as contemporary as the reviews say, it still played out like an olden movie to me. All in all it’s an elaborate and entertaining drama.  I definitely enjoyed the movie, and I hope you will give it a try and see for yourself too :).

I’d like to see one movie where Leonardo Dicaprio doesn’t die..

… and draw out the “oh..”s from the audience. One movie where he can live and there be a happy ending, so I won’t leave the theater feeling like I’ve lost something, again. The guy makes it so hard to be a love-struck fan :). Ever since Titanic.. Dicaprio has been pulling at heartstrings. I have read The great gatsby many times, but never did I have that sense of loss like I did after watching this movie, with Dicaprio’s portrayal of Jay Gatsby. I understand, in some stories it was inevitable.. like Baz Luhrmans Romeo +Juliet. I mean, they both gotta die.. it wouldn’t be a tragedy otherwise. But did he have to die, seeing Juliet waking up and knowing what a mistake he made? Or die in the false hope that it was Daisy’s call? Did Danny Archer have to die making that phone call to Maddy? And really, did Rose really HAVE to let him go?! Coincidence? I think not folks! 

Maybe it’s a way for the character to achieve mortality, dying on screen. There will never be another Danny Archer, but with his death I feel that he had really lived. Here’s a list of the famous death scenes from Dicaprio, to watch and lose something all over again: http://news.moviefone.com/2013/05/06/leonardo-dicaprio-movie-death-scenes_n_3224790.html#slide=2421925

 

Movies Dicaprio dies in :

Titanic

The quick and the dead

Total eclipse

Shutter Island

Inception

Departed

Blood Diamond

Django Unchained

The Great Gatsby

Gangs of New york

Aviator

J. Edgar

 

Movies he lives in:

Revolutionary Road

Catch me if you can

Marvin’s Room

Body of Lies

The Beach

What’s eating Gilbert Grape

 

In compiling this list, I realized he doesn’t always die. Ok faaaine, I’ll end my rant. 

Happy Valentine’s :)

Inspirational, by Bob Marley

“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colors seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”

― Bob Marley

Days of Summer

Simple joys of summer
Simple things that make me smile
Come gently to my mind
Telling me, stay awhile
Stay awhile, beneath a tree
That’s beneath a fluffy cloud
Beneath a huge blue sky
Stay awhile, hum aloud.
Let the thunder boom
Smell the summer rain
Breath in the honeysuckle
That blooms once again.
Hold his hand and walk away
Pass the trail, pass the stream
Pause to look at the sunset
Stop to look at some dream.
And as the fireflies simmer
Once the rainclouds depart
These simple joys of summer
Will warm your autumn heart.

What goes around comes around, 2012

The other day, me and some friends went to a restaurant for dinner. It was about closing time and the waitress was sweeping up the room, but greeted us with a smile and a “can I get you something?”. We proceeded to have a normal dinner-out. After dinner, I went to the local theatre to volunteer at the concessions stand for the late night show. Right as the movie was about to begin, the waitress who had earlier served me walked in, and then it was my turn to ask.. “can I get you something”? We both shared a laugh at the zero-ness of life. You know, what goes around comes around :).

Happy 2012 folks.

Seasonal Denial

Invisible demon
cloaked in leaves,
why do you take them away?
These golden yellow mementos of summer,
are all that we have
to reminisce a summer day.

By who’s bidding
are you so relentless
tossing and turning the leaves around?
with what spite,
with what reasoned glee
do you throw them to the ground?

wearing padded feet
bearing frosty breath
you slyly come to my door.
I hear the knocks
but what if I wont open it
to you anymore?

Chuckling devil
your plans wont work
you think winter will now start.
but all my friends say
haven’t you heard?
It’s always summer in my heart.